Our Twisted Cast of Characters
THE HILLS HAVE THIGHS
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(in order of appearance)
2008
1. DANIEL BOONE OWEN: handsome local hillbilly icon who goes missing after pulling a corn liquor-induced bender at a bar called “Scatterbrains.”
2. DR. PHILLIP I. MCCRACKEN: A sterile, aged medical expert whose specialty involves bone density in female Appalachian homo sapiens.
3. NURSE CROTCHET: The bodacious assistant to Dr. McCracken.
4. MONA LISA JOHNSON: Our voluptuous mountain starlet.
5. SHERIFF BIG JAKE GALLOWAY: Deliverance-style, jovial sheriff prone to corn pone.
6. DEPUTY RANDALL GALLOWAY: The dutiful deputy to Sheriff Big Jake.
7. DRIP DRYWALL: A possibly closeted homosexual hoke who lives with his mother at a cat shelter known as “Pussy Heaven,” who tends to leave urine spots in his overalls.
8. JOHN PAUL HESTON: The local “Hillbilly Stud” and Drip Drywall’s heterosexual coach.
9. HUSSEY SUELL: A large-boned Appalachian song Goddess and local celebrity.
10. MISS PAT: The reluctant mother of Drip Drywall and owner of Pussy Heaven.
11. POOTER BROWN: A friend of Miss Pat’s who is a 16-time Christmas Eve UFO Abductee and expert on all matters Alien.
12. TREE-TREE DAVENPORT: Innkeeper at the Shamrock House; temporary resident of Appalachia by way of San Diego, California, Obama enthusiast, and limousine liberal with a penchant for “Mammy Dolls, Uncle Remus tales and “Negrobelia” in general.
13. CONNIE MERRITT: Baltimore, Maryland Politician’s wife and aristocrat.
14. VINNY CARGIOLI: Jersey tourist, ringleader and ultimate Ladies’ Man in his own mind.
15. SOL RIZZO: Jersey tourist, overweight sidekick and accomplice to Vinny Cargioli, lover of chocolate.
16. PAYCHECK: Jersey tourist and fellow “gang member” of Sol Rizzo and Vinny Cargioli.
17. CINDY WAMPUM: Local half-Indian, tool-carrying, heavy equipment-operating “hottie” who is terrorized by unsolved phenomena occurring around her house.
18. TWINKIE ADAMS: A bizarre Butch groundskeeper at Shamrock House who is obsessed by her Baby Jesus Doll and lives with her “sister” of 20 years, Velveeta Adams.
19. VELVEETA ADAMS: “Sister” and “partner” to Twinkie Adams; a one-handed Beauty Queen. The former Miss Batesburg-Leesville, 1981.
20. BUTTERFLY JOHNSON: Sister to Mona Lisa and Best Friend to Cindi Wampum.
21. MOJESKA BYERS: Ex-Fatso who shoplifts Vienna Sausages at Mini- Mart.
22. SASSAFRAS WHITMIRE: Angry, broad-breasted cashier who confronts Mojeska throughout town.
23. ANGELINA PROUDBEAVER: Acquitted Cherokee husband-murderer and bitter Trout Mistress at Morgan’s Mill Trout Farm.
24. CORDELL: Mildly retarded Sidekick to Deputy Randall and Sheriff Big Jake Galloway.
25. DR. WEBER: Dutch veterinarian and illegal hallucinogenic Tulip-Smuggler.
26. HULGA KROHMER: Neo-Natzi vet tech and angry receptionist for Dr. Weber.
27. FRANKIE DIGUISEPPE: Appalachian Gangster who demands early shipment of hallucinogenic tulips.
CAST OF CHARACTERS
(in order of appearance)
2008
1. DANIEL BOONE OWEN: handsome local hillbilly icon who goes missing after pulling a corn liquor-induced bender at a bar called “Scatterbrains.”
2. DR. PHILLIP I. MCCRACKEN: A sterile, aged medical expert whose specialty involves bone density in female Appalachian homo sapiens.
3. NURSE CROTCHET: The bodacious assistant to Dr. McCracken.
4. MONA LISA JOHNSON: Our voluptuous mountain starlet.
5. SHERIFF BIG JAKE GALLOWAY: Deliverance-style, jovial sheriff prone to corn pone.
6. DEPUTY RANDALL GALLOWAY: The dutiful deputy to Sheriff Big Jake.
7. DRIP DRYWALL: A possibly closeted homosexual hoke who lives with his mother at a cat shelter known as “Pussy Heaven,” who tends to leave urine spots in his overalls.
8. JOHN PAUL HESTON: The local “Hillbilly Stud” and Drip Drywall’s heterosexual coach.
9. HUSSEY SUELL: A large-boned Appalachian song Goddess and local celebrity.
10. MISS PAT: The reluctant mother of Drip Drywall and owner of Pussy Heaven.
11. POOTER BROWN: A friend of Miss Pat’s who is a 16-time Christmas Eve UFO Abductee and expert on all matters Alien.
12. TREE-TREE DAVENPORT: Innkeeper at the Shamrock House; temporary resident of Appalachia by way of San Diego, California, Obama enthusiast, and limousine liberal with a penchant for “Mammy Dolls, Uncle Remus tales and “Negrobelia” in general.
13. CONNIE MERRITT: Baltimore, Maryland Politician’s wife and aristocrat.
14. VINNY CARGIOLI: Jersey tourist, ringleader and ultimate Ladies’ Man in his own mind.
15. SOL RIZZO: Jersey tourist, overweight sidekick and accomplice to Vinny Cargioli, lover of chocolate.
16. PAYCHECK: Jersey tourist and fellow “gang member” of Sol Rizzo and Vinny Cargioli.
17. CINDY WAMPUM: Local half-Indian, tool-carrying, heavy equipment-operating “hottie” who is terrorized by unsolved phenomena occurring around her house.
18. TWINKIE ADAMS: A bizarre Butch groundskeeper at Shamrock House who is obsessed by her Baby Jesus Doll and lives with her “sister” of 20 years, Velveeta Adams.
19. VELVEETA ADAMS: “Sister” and “partner” to Twinkie Adams; a one-handed Beauty Queen. The former Miss Batesburg-Leesville, 1981.
20. BUTTERFLY JOHNSON: Sister to Mona Lisa and Best Friend to Cindi Wampum.
21. MOJESKA BYERS: Ex-Fatso who shoplifts Vienna Sausages at Mini- Mart.
22. SASSAFRAS WHITMIRE: Angry, broad-breasted cashier who confronts Mojeska throughout town.
23. ANGELINA PROUDBEAVER: Acquitted Cherokee husband-murderer and bitter Trout Mistress at Morgan’s Mill Trout Farm.
24. CORDELL: Mildly retarded Sidekick to Deputy Randall and Sheriff Big Jake Galloway.
25. DR. WEBER: Dutch veterinarian and illegal hallucinogenic Tulip-Smuggler.
26. HULGA KROHMER: Neo-Natzi vet tech and angry receptionist for Dr. Weber.
27. FRANKIE DIGUISEPPE: Appalachian Gangster who demands early shipment of hallucinogenic tulips.